From the beginning…..
I remember the day so clearly in my head, the day we decided to start trying for a baby. It was May 2017, just over a year after we got married and just before we went on holiday to Corfu for our first wedding anniversary. I was filled with excitement, trepidation and safe to say, I was a little nervous.
Our time came on August 24th 2018. I remember feeling a bit off, my boobs were sore, I was bloated but dismissed it to normal PMT, but I had a feeling. I ran downstairs with the test and the packet in my hand and said coyly to Dan, ‘I have something to show you’, I showed him the stick and he was speechless. The early days of pregnancy, from what I can remember, were hard, getting up at 6am just to sit in bed till 6.30am making sure I wasn't sick and then stuffed crackers in my mouth. I began to feel more and more tired and as my week off approached (thank god) I was looking forward to sitting on my bum all day and chill. We had our 10 week booking in appointment to see the midwife. I remember seeing her, she was lovely, had my bloods taken, all the questions asked in the world and then the magical green notes. Something so small, but something I had been looking forward to for so long, these were mine for me and my baby.
Then it all changed. The bleeding started.
October 2018
I was told it was a threatened miscarriage and the doctor organised for a scan to be done on the Friday to check for a heartbeat but he wasn’t hopeful. On the way out, he said to me, ‘how old are you’ and I said ‘29’, he said, ‘oh so you’re young then, you can always try again’. I was livid. Shocked. Appalled. I remember getting home and just balling my eyes out, I walked around the house shouting at my stomach, ‘if you are going to go, just go!’.
The contractions came at 11.30pm and I started to lose so much blood. Lots of stuff happened in that time but the main words I remember were, ‘Please go and empty your bladder’. Once I got there, I felt this movement inside me, this drop and that’s when I knew the baby was coming out. I screamed for the nurse and made sure she shut the door so that Dan didn't have to see the baby coming out of me. It was a red sack type thing, the nurse caught it and put it in a bed pan. I wasn’t offered any aftercare appointments, no leaflets, nothing.
Days and months after this miscarriage, it still haunts me, I can still remember the feelings, the little details. I never expected to go through it twice, or thrice.
May 2019
I was finding May hard as it would've been the due date of the first baby, but when we found out we were pregnant again, it was a strange feeling. I was excited but also nervous, I immediately thought, shit. Dan found it hard, didn't quite believe it and to be honest, he was right to. Two weeks after the positive test, the bleeding started again, same as last time. I already knew, After the second loss, still no aftercare, no leaflets, no offer of help from the NHS.
September 2019
I had moved jobs as I needed to go part time to help recuperate. I had only been in the job a month and found out I was pregnant, near enough, 24 hours later, it was gone. I took 10 pregnancy tests and took them all the doctor, pleaded with her in desperation, why?! Help me!
After this, we were referred to Gynaecology and had to wait 6-12 weeks for results of the blood tests. In this time, we became pregnant. Luckily, our consultant had asked that if I became pregnant at that time, to give me progesterone. They did and now we have Lara.
Pregnancy fourth time round was not easy. I am forever grateful that I have my rainbow when so many do not. It was a hard physical and mental battle (and I haven’t even told you about my week-long induction and emergency c section). But… she is here and that is what matters.
What has helped me:
Miscarriage Association- someone to talk to randomly. I phoned this service numerous times during my sick leave from work or randomly during lunch. I never knew how to start or what to say, babble came out, the person at the other end was so calm, friendly and welcoming.
Tommys- information. I had heard of this charity from a friend of mine and I started to look at their information and support networks. This was a great comfort as they also had a midwife or telephone number to call, if I ever needed it.
Therapy and CBT Walking into therapy is not easy, you don't know this person, this space, it takes courage, it takes guts to tell someone, something isn't right and I want to change it, but not everybody does. Sometimes, people are too scared of the new and don’t want to be seen as ‘weak’. I have never seen myself as weak, but I very much felt it.
I was doing so well until the second miscarriage, that is what pushed me over the edge. I remember having dark thoughts, never actually harmed myself, but I thought about it. I despised myself, I hated my body and I hated what I saw in the mirror. I didn't realise I had the onset of depression. This is something I still fight everyday now, depression doesn't just suddenly disappear, it’s a grey cloud sitting above me that sometimes is big and sometimes is small.
Keeping Busy- House Reno
During this awful time, we moved house. It was such a state but that’s aptly why we chase it. To give it love, to spruce it up and to make something our own. My brain went into DIY mode and it was amazing. It has grown my love of gardening and often if I am feeling overwhelmed, I’ll go and walk in the garden, do a bit of weeding, tidying up and make myself feel better.
Thank you for reading my (lengthy) honest experience about recurrent miscarriage. My heart goes to all the mothers and fathers and families who experience loss at any stage.
I see you and I am with you.