I'm not scared of dying...

Ok, hear me out on this one. I am very fortunate that during the past few months after losing Clay, apart from a few short fleeting moments where I want nothing more than to be with Clay, I do not want to die. Even though Clay is not here with us where he 100% should be, I still want to live. I love my husband, family, friends and dog and enjoy life way too much to want to go anywhere anytime soon. I am also hopeful that in the future we will be surrounded by Clay’s brothers and sisters. It's quite bizarre actually, before Clay, I always imagined us as a family of six eventually (that being myself, Dan, Clay + 2 and Miller). However since Clay’s death I would more than happily birth a 5 a side football team if I could. I just need to concentrate on the next week, next month, next year at the moment. Who knows, we will have to see what the next decade has in store for us. I will report back in 2030.

Anyway, I digress so back to my original point. I am no longer scared of dying. Dying definitely use to scare me, but personally, I believe in an after life. A whole other world that’s just through a doorway that we just can’t see yet. I have this image in my head that in this next world, you live for eternity. My nan is there already and I’m sure she got a shock when Clay arrived way before he should have been there. But knowing that my nan (who I'm sure is sat with Clay on her knee feeding him Percy pigs for breakfast) is looking after him for us until I arrive one day makes me smile and brings me comfort. I also feel when in many, many years my time comes to go through that invisible door, I will be able to hug my beautiful first child for as long as I want, I will be able to see his eyes for the first time and the smile on his face. He is the one who taught me a love so strong I didn’t know it was possible and who made me realise just how much I wanted children. I will forever be grateful to him for that.

When I am having my really rough days, and my arms constantly ache from wanting to hold Clay and mother him, I try my best to imagine him playing and laughing just next door with my nan. Of course I wish more than anything he wasn’t with her just yet, but if he can’t be here with us then that is definitely the next best thing. I’m sure not everybody agree’s with me on the after life, but when you are grieving your child (and I’m sure this applies to losing anybody you love) if there is anything that can bring you some comfort and warms your heart ever so slightly, go for it.

So when it eventually is my time to go, I will be going with a smile on my face because I know what’s waiting for me on the other side.

I love you Clay, don’t eat all the Percy pigs before I get there.